September 1-Todd and I celebrate 11 years of marriage (YEA!)
September 1-Ian (my nephew who I ADORE) turns 3
September 6-This would have been Mackenzie's first birthday (my niece who passed 6 months ago)
September 8-Seth turns 6 years old today (time flies!)
September 8-Today is 6 months since Mackenzie's passing
You notice at that timeline that there is more to rejoice about then to be sad about. Yah, that's easy to point out, but not so easy to feel. Grief is a crazy emotion you don't ever really understand until your in it. Its something I hope a lot of you haven't had to be in because its awful. In the movie 'Courageous' there is a line when a dad sees a minister about losing his daughter that says, "Grief is like an amputation. When you lose a limb, it takes a while to completely heal. Even when it does heal though, life isn't quite the same." You learn to live in the new normal and life does get much better and life goes on, its just different. Since Mackenzie's passing, we are all left to figure out how to live in this new normal.
This week is a hard week for a lot of people in my family. The hardest of all is for my sister who was the Mommy. It absolutely breaks my heart for her to have to go through any of this and I want nothing more to fix it, because that's what I do, I fix things! But I cant fix this. I can only imagine her pain and I want to respect and honor her in this time, so this blog is not going to be about her or about anyone else in my family dealing with this, I am going to try to solely write on my feelings as a sister, aunt, and mom.
Coming into this week, I knew it was going to be hard, but I thought I was strong enough to pull through it and just be there for my family. I thought I had finished my crying. Boy was I wrong! Monday night I went to tuck my kids in to bed. I had to carry Seth to his bed (he fell asleep in mine) and as I did so, the song 'Blessings' by Laura Story was playing. Looking at his sweet face and hearing the words to the song did something and BAM! it hit me! I started to feel like it just happened and did the ugly cry (you know, heaving for breath, completely consolable). I realized that Mackenzie had been gone as long as she had got to be with us. It seems like just yesterday she left us still, and it just proved to me how little time we got with her. I got angry. Its not fair! I got guilty (survivor's guilt, I know is just a tool for Satan to try to get the best of me). I am slightly embarrassed to admit, sometimes I got (and get) angry with God. Now with admitting that, I need to say something else. First of all, I'm not REALY angry at Him I don't believe. Its like when your angry at another situation and take it out on the one you love (like your husband, sadly, Ive done that before too, I'm not perfect, sorry). When she first passed, I had several people tell me it must have been God's will, or it was His plan, or bla bla bla bla bla. Let me just say, don't EVER say that to someone who is grieving. It doesn't help at all, in fact, it usually does the opposite (I'm thinking I may write a blog eventually on what NOT to say actually....because I had a lot of people say mean and stupid things, unintentionally). But back to this being in God's plan...NO! Because the way I see it when God created earth and humans, death was not a part of His plan. Death came as a consequence to sin. NO, I am not saying Mackenzie passing was because of something my sister, my family, or myself did.....its because we ALL SIN, but that's why we all will leave this place at some point. I don't think this makes God happy. I don't see him sitting up there as some evil puppet master sitting up there cutting strings when He decides He wants to. When she first passed, one of my best friends told me in the hospital to just remember that this hurts God too....that helped me a lot because I believe that is true. I think this makes Him sad. He hurts to see his beloveds hurt too! OK----back to where I was I got angry at Him just because I got angry, not so much at Him (I'm glad He understands me when I don't even understand myself sometimes). I got a million questions and just cried for like 2 hours or so until I finally fell asleep. Since then, I feel like I'm walking in a cloud one step for falling back to uncontrollable crying. Luckily, God has blessed me with an amazing husband, family, and many wonderful friends I know are there holding me up, holding us all up, when I cant do it myself. When Mackenzie first passed, a lot of people recommended the books 'Heaven is 4 Real'. The adult version was hard to read, but it helped me. I got the kids version for Lillie (who is still herself left struggling in the aftermath) and honestly, the kids helped me more. It had beautiful pictures of what heaven may be like. Those images help me have something to hold on to. I don't believe I can actually talk to people who have passed on (but I do still do it sometimes to help my grief as recommended by my counselor). But I do find myself this week praying a lot to pass some messages on for me. Ive prayed that even though I don't believe they really celebrate birthdays up there, to do something special for our sweet girl (silly maybe, but it makes me feel a tiny bit better).
You know what is really crazy about this week? I didn't think it was possible to feel so much extreme hurt, grief, pain,happiness, and joy all at the same time....those don't go together really, but they do! I am trying so hard to focus on the good. And I am grateful. I am grateful for the time I DID have, and grateful for the 6 years I have had my super hero of a son (I have learned you truly don't know what the next minute, hour, day, week, or year will bring!)
This week, I feel pretty bent over, like a palm tree pushed to the ground in a hurricane. But the palm tree life is about surviving the storm and growing and flourishing in it...... I will (WE WILL) get through this storm. Some palm trees remain permanently bent after a storm, but they still grow up strong and reaching upward....maybe I'm odd (OK, I know I am) but I find those trees do be very beautiful and interesting. My prayer is that I will be one of those trees....as much as I would like the pain of this storm to go away, I am hoping in the end, He uses it for something fascinating and wonderful.
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